I don’t write much on here but here we go. I’m laying in bed about to go to sleep and I’m having a random chat with another person. During this all I’m having multiple thoughts on what is going on in my life. I wanna say that it’s going great! I have friends and a great job and a supporting and loving family of my sisters and parents. The problem is that I get caught up in all the things I have no control over or the things I do have control over but have no idea what to do.
My best friend is an amazing person but I worry about him all the time. I worry about the choices he is making and what he wants to do with his life. He is great and also has a great job and is stable financially but I feel that he is going through something and can’t tell me about it. It’s been awhile since we have been in a situation that he can’t be open with me about and I’m scared. I’m scared of the outcome and I’m scared of what the outcome will do to our lives now. I have supported him through a lot but Im agora that this time, it won’t be so easy. I also could me making all of this up. Seeing something that isn’t there. But……I feel that something is off. I’m just waiting. Giving him time to tell me on his own. I messed up once by being forceful. I’m not gonna let that happen again.
I’m also having some trouble in my life and what I want. I’ve been having a lot of pressure and judgement from people and I can’t seem to handle it. I might be able to act like I can but I don’t really think so. I feel like I’m doing something wrong but also that I want to do something about it. I wanna see where things lead but I also don’t want to ruin anything. I’m of course talking about a boy. It’s dumb to feet over trivial things but it’s been a hard road for me of that nature.
I know that for a person to be in a good and stable relationship, they first have to love themselves. I just don’t think I ever will. It seems like a joke for we to say a positive affirmation like “you are great! You can do anything! You are beautiful, inside and out!” I laugh and all of that and think “whatever, no one believes that crap.” I would LOVE be able to look at myself and say all those things or even “you are the best version of you”. To be able to be happy when I look at myself. To be able to full appreciate how awesome I am and that some one could find me attractive.
All of these things are happening all at once and I just think to myself, is it really worth my time to dwell on such insignificant things? Like I don’t have the right. I’m healthy, I’ve a home, and all those other things I listed off before but yet I still feel the way I feel. Worried, judged, belittling myself. I always hope and pray that someday it will get better but for now the only things that are keeping me going are the messages I receive from that boy and the good moments I have with my bestie, family and my students.
Thanks for listening to my rant, I hope it reads ok! I’m not proof reading it…… :)